Archived Article By Tom Fitzmorris Originally published February 12, 2008 Dining Under Duress The Valentine's Day Massacre What follows is a pure male perspective, addressed to other males. If you're a woman, you'll deride it as the ravings of someone who just doesn't get it. (That's certainly how my wife characterizes me.) But if you're a guy, you'll nod in agreement, then (if you're a wise guy), shake your head at the hopelessness of complaining. If you're a very lucky person of either sex, and your relationship has slipped into a very comfortable, personalized groove in which anything either of you does charms the other, you'll chuckle at the poor fools who are still fighting the following intractable situation. Okay, fellers. The pressures of our culture require gentlemen to take their ladies to dinner on Valentine's Day. Although restaurants try their best to spread the crush of customers out into a wishful Valentine's Week, doing the deed on any day other than February 14 is like bringing home a single red rose. It sounds good to you, and your lover will be polite about it, but what she's really thinking is, "Well, that's cheesy." If you're dating someone in a serious way (including the marriage way, especially in the years before kids make dating so inconvenient that you both understand why you can't go out), you are almost impossibly late for making the Valentine's Day reservation. Don't be surprised when you find that your favorite restaurants are completely booked up when, in classic guy style, you call three hours before you'd like to be there with your valentines. It's unfortunate that Valentine's is one of those days when restaurants are slammed. All their best customers are there, along with all the people who dine out four times a year. (The other days are New Year's Eve, Mother's Day, and Secretary's Day, all of which present the same gridlock that Valentine's Day does.) This year is easier than most, since Valentine's falls on a Thursday, and Mardi Gras is over. On the other hand, I'm getting calls and e-mail promotions from lots of restaurants for their Valentine's Day activities. So it might not be as bad as it sounds. One good thing to know is that every restaurant in town will be open. But back to disclaimers and warning. From a gourmet perspective, Valtentine's Day is a bad day to go to a restaurant. The food and service even in the best restaurants will be off, and sometimes the prices go up to boot. Also frustrating is the fact that crowded, busy restaurants are among the least romantic. The most romantic restaurants are those with only a few other people in them. Not only can you feel truly private, but you don't have to listen to the conversations of other would-be lovers. Nor is there any chance that your lingering over a last glass of wine or coffee will be rushed along by the need to turn the table. But just try to explain that to a woman! There is survival value for the species in this. Women find men who buck the odds attractive. They find whiners (like the writer of these words) pathetic. This is just one of those times when we must become supermen, and call in our chips. (You did take my advice to become a good regular customer somewhere, didn't you?) Wherever you wind up, guys, remember two words: "Champagne" and "chocolate." Can't have romance without them. © 2008 Tom Fitzmorris. All rights reserved. news@nomenu.com